“Antifragility is beyond resilience or robustness. The resilient resists shocks and stays the same; the antifragile gets better.”
― Nassim Nicholas Taleb,
When I reflect upon the past week of people posting the phrase “me too” (indicating they have at some point been sexually harassed or assaulted), all I can think is, “these adults were once children”, and I am saddened that they were exposed to these situations. But it also reinforces the necessity of equipping our children with the mental and physical tools they need to help protect themselves, should it ever become necessary. Over the last 20-plus years I’ve done nothing but try to teach children how to develop and protect boundaries, respect and empower themselves, defend themselves, rely on themselves and discipline themselves. This is to ensure that they are prepared, should they ever go up against any of these societal ills.
I like being an agent of change; over the last 20 years my goal has been to empower young men and women and to help them develop into the best people they can be. For young women this is especially relevant because our society doesn’t always portray strong, powerful women in a positive light, and there are still plenty of societal implications centered on the idea that women should be weak. So for some young women, they have difficulty finding their voice, and strength is a space they typically are not used to inhabiting. The best way to become emboldened and to grow stronger is to be taught. Yet, for boys, there is an automatic assumption that they will grow up to be strong men that can “handle themselves” – just because they are boys; that somehow, young boys will just naturally be able to regulate their power and place in society. However, the body cannot go where the mind has never gone; one has to be taught to be strong and to speak up and/or stand up for his or herself.
A boy will not stand up to another boy’s misdeeds if he has been constantly told “yes” by everyone in his family, and has not had the opportunity to learn to do so. A boy will not stand up to a man if he has constantly been taught to defer to an authority with every slight he has ever encountered. Similarly, a girl will not likely speak up for herself, or challenge an abuser, if she has not been taught her worth and taught to feel comfortable reaching out for support to the women AND men in her life. A girl will not feel comfortable establishing boundaries and protecting them (violently, if need be) if she has never been taught how to establish boundaries, nor taught to feel comfortable about protecting those boundaries.
As we all know, most attackers are men. Therefore, girls will never learn what it takes to protect themselves from boys/men if they are sheltered from intense, male energy. If they’ve never been exposed to controlled, safe situations where men have challenged them physically, as opposed to just intellectually, then they will never know how to respond if a violent encounter ever arises. In order for any female (or male for that matter) to truly feel comfortable in creating these boundaries and defending these boundaries, they must work with other boys and men that challenge those boundaries in a safe environment.
This is what White Tiger Dojo does everyday. So this is a shout out to all the men and women of the White Tiger Dojo community: I’d like our community to come together and try to bring as many young men AND women to the White Tiger Dojo for a seminar about this very topic. (Date TBA/Proceeds will go to Jersey Battered Women’s Service). The seminar for boys/men is called “Man Up”. I’ve designed this coursework to help young men learn how to better respect each other, authority, and women and to become the brave men that they need to be in order to protect anyone who cannot protect themselves. Then I’d like to offer the same free seminar to young women so that they too can have a better understanding of how to stand up to, and stand together against unnecessary violence.
With all that has been discussed in Hollywood and anywhere else in our country, what I find most surprising is how so many people only stood up after the fact. Look at how many links you find across Facebook that say, “I knew, everybody knew, but I didn’t stand up and say something.” Well, that’s not good enough for our community. I believe that through educating people about a course of action they can take, empowering them to find their voice and teaching them to feel justified in speaking out when something is happening – rather than after the fact, is a great way to prevent future cases of abuse. And the only way for this to become possible, is to learn it by having actually “gone there” at some point in the earlier part of one’s life. If you’ve been trained to value your worth, learned that others are entitled to the same respect and protections, and have practiced speaking up for and defending yourself and others, you will feel more comfortable, confident and be more successful should you ever encounter such a situation. Once again, the body cannot go where the brain has never been.
After these seminars, I will publish an account of how each went and what value – if any, people felt they provided and/or have ascertained. Our community needs to know if we are going to be the instigators of positive change or if we are just going to stand by idly and watch. We need to hold ourselves, as a community, accountable. Will you help be a part of the solution?
A number of people join martial arts because they don’t feel suited to traditional team sports. With today’s 24/7/365 demands of team sports, I find it hard to compel my students to come more often than they can honestly commit. I believe the study of martial arts is important, but not at the expense of balance. I understand that team sports demand this time commitment because they’re part of a team, but who isn’t a part of team?
My dojo is comprised of a latticework of personalities, ages, levels of athleticism, coordination, etc. There are no wasted parts and everyone is included. No one is ever benched or cut because they didn’t perform well on a given day, week, month or year. Every single student strives for success, even on their worst days. More importantly, everyone around them is trying to do the same while encouraging each other to push the boundaries of failure towards the infinite markers of success.
If I don’t challenge myself as a teacher, I am doing my students a disservice. If my students aren’t challenging themselves as individuals, then they are not challenging their partners. This is a cooperative experience that requires a ton of relationship building (which includes honest dialog and honest self-assessment). No one walks away unchanged and everyone has something to give.
So when you or your kid signs up for martial arts, remember that there’s twice the number of “T’s” than “I’s” and they stand for “trust” and “teamwork”.
Lord of the WiFis: Attack of the Couch Slouch
(The 1st of a Series)
In today’s society, we are bombarded by more information than ever experienced by previous generations. The speed of information gives us the illusion that we can accomplish more, faster and better than any generation before. Although technology has advanced rapidly, our genetics have not. The gap between the rate of receiving information and actually processing it can directly affect our ability to prioritize.
I wrote the above statement approximately 3 years ago when I started building the website for my business. An important realization came to mind as I was sorting through some of my past projects: The impact from what you’ve said or written in the past, things that may have seemed somewhat inconsequential or of little importance back then, will more often than not have a more significant impact on yourself when revisited.
When I grew up in the late 70’s and 80’s, video games were just getting started. Even when Nintendo hit the stores, practically wiping out the competition, it was a rarity to spend all day inside. At some point, we had had enough of Punch Out or Legend of Zelda and our parents said we’d go blind in front of the TV which was more than enough to get us out the door and in the field. Now we walk around with screens six inches from their faces all the time.
What was once a “momentary activity” to engage in for a minute section of our day has now become a controversial compulsive habit that negatively impacts society as a greater whole. I see video games, the Internet, SmartPhones and the like as mere tools. Like most things in life, “intent” plays a very large role in determining whether or not something is good or bad. For instance, too much exposure to bacteria can be bad. However, exposure to bacteria helps the body develop a healthy immune system. Too much time spent exercising can be hard on the body, but regular exercise with proper rest helps develop a strong body and healthy mind. The point here is about maintaining balance, which is a problem that society has been struggling with since time immemorial.
- Limit access: whether it’s food, video games, or a favorite sport, everyone needs a break, self reflective time or just time learning to be in their own skin. It’s important not to forget that alone time has many healthy benefits.
- No devices in the bedroom. For many reasons, all devices should be charged and kept outside of a child’s room. (more on this in the upcoming blog posts)
- Play video games with your kids. Create physical penalties for making mistakes in-game like push-ups, sit-ups, jumping jacks or burpees. That way, the intent for playing video games is no longer to just “play the game” but rather spend valuable time with loved ones. Besides, you won’t be slouching on the couch the whole time.
Defining clear, positive and balanced boundaries creates good habits early on which will help children learn to self-regulate their time wisely. This fosters self-confidence and a sense of self-control that will pay dividends later in life as well as strengthen your familial bond.
(Part 6 of a Series)
Trust is the glue of life. It’s the most essential ingredient in effective communication. It’s the foundational principle that holds all relationships.
– Stephen Covey
Learning how to differentiate between kids who were just acting friendly and kids who were actually my friends was one of the toughest obstacles I had to overcome in my younger years. I simply wasn’t always sure who my friends were because I didn’t know exactly who I was yet. Without a clear understanding of the self, making positive and effective decisions about the self is nearly impossible to accomplish. However, after I learned how to trust my own instincts and take ownership of my own actions, I began to attract and gravitate towards people who shared the same beliefs, values and goals that I did. In other words, I figured out how to differentiate between those who were simply complying with social niceties and those who trusted me as much as I trusted them. I learned that choosing to give the right person control can be a courageous and trustworthy act of intelligence in and of itself.
Choosing to trust people is a daily necessity that happens way more often than many of us would like to think. In fact, I often think about how easily and how often I trust unseen strangers with my own life and livelihood. I do it instinctively and habitually everytime I’m driving down the road and another person is driving the opposite direction a few feet to my left. I trust unknown people to make laws that govern my actions and purchases. I trust unknown people who hold my money at banks and other financial institutions. But why is it so difficult to trust someone face-to-face and how can we better manage that process?
Trust starts out with the basics such as introducing oneself to another. I’m a firm believer in eye contact, handshakes and the exchange of basic pleasantries. Conflict can be ignited or avoided in the first few seconds of two people meeting, which is why it’s so important to establish a positive first impression.
I like to use analogies to build the unknown into a known template. It’s an easy way to help someone feel comfortable with the unfamiliar and feel less hesitant about receiving new ideas. Whether I’m teaching a new technique or physically engaging in the use of that technique with a partner, we need to trust one another. Without it, any exchange (physical or otherwise) would be unproductive and potentially destructive to our relationship.
Another way I like to build trust is to be open to someone else’s well-founded opinion. Even if their opinion challenges my own beliefs, the initial clash of perspective will work in both our favors if I allow myself to accept and understand what it is that they are saying and give them the chance to listen and understand what I am saying.
Learning to trust myself allowed me to attract people in my life that I could trust – sometimes even more than myself. It quickly became very clear to me that I am not “going at it alone”. Life is just too complicated and I’m just one person. Creating a team of like-minded people in my life has enabled me to create better habits and make better choices with a little help from my friends.
Photo by Beranger Zylla
(Part 5 of a Series)
I swore an oath, and I will protect you. Even if it means I must protect you from yourself. – Alexandre Dumas
I last left off with the act of choosing to give someone else control as a courageous and trustworthy act of intelligence as opposed to one full of recklessness and naivete. When I’m in control of myself, I am free to make choices based upon my beliefs and then evaluate their effects through a realistic perspective. However, I’ve always found it best to run my beliefs through the mirror of self and then through the lens of another – a trusted partner.
This philosophy of self-reflection and guided trust is constantly present throughout my everyday. Take the Dojo, for instance. When you walk into the White Tiger Dojo, you’ll find four identical posters placed in strategic locations that my students, their friends and family can see. Among the many guidelines that are focused on the art, you’ll see a statement: “A good student is a good partner.” The reflective statement is, “A good partner is a good student.”
The first stage of learning any technique requires that my partner and I intellectually understand the fundamentals of it before any physical implementation is conducted upon each other. It’s imperative to the success of the technique that my partner understands what I’m trying to accomplish so they may give me the feedback necessary to fix my mistakes. In a way, both of us are engaged in a compliant activity in order for us to both learn the opposing sides of a technique. This stage is similar to having a mutually agreeable conversation with a friend. We are openly and honestly communicating verbally and physically throughout the entire exchange.
The second stage of learning a technique requires that I ask my partner to be passively non-compliant. This state of non-compliance should feel like someone I know just touched me on the shoulder from my blind side. I’m alert and guarded, but I’m not actively trying to thwart the touch as I’m awaiting a visual or audible cue that will give way to some form of basic reasoning for their actions. This is where I begin working the kinks out of my technique with the feedback I have gained. This stage is similar to one person asking for clarification of another’s thought process.
The third stage of learning a technique requires that I ask my partner to be actively non-compliant. During this state of active non-compliance, my partner will actively stop me from executing the technique properly. Meaning, they will do what they can to push my physical and mental understanding of how the technique can be implemented. The more trust I have in my partner, the more I can push the technique through that layer of non-compliance. The more my partner trusts me, the more they can thwart the technique through non-compliance. We are both jockeying for control over our bodies while still maintaining a sense of trust. Reason being that the push and pull of the physical and emotional between my partner and I will provide an accurate assessment of each other’s abilities. This assessment will not only help us understand the multifaceted uses of the technique, but also strengthen the understanding of our relationship as trusted friends and rivals. In a sense, this stage is akin to two people having a heated, intellectual debate.
The last stage is the most realistic engagement that two partners can safely participate in. Here, both partners are being freely and actively non-compliant. For this example, let’s imagine that the exercise is geared towards both of us trying to execute the new technique successfully while not being caught-up in the mental intensity of the technique ourselves. This is the essence of being a good partner and student. This stage can get heated and emotions will leak out, but the bond of trust that has been forged between us from the previous stages will prevent either of us from sustaining any real injury. It is only because we have been consistently communicating openly and honestly with each other that a physical and mental exchange of this magnitude is possible.
As I’ve stated previously, if we do not extinguish the enemy within ourselves we will never know what our level of culpability is when we are faced with conflict. Knowing this and owning up to this is how I avoid “avoidable” conflict. Stepping onto the mat and going through these phases of “conversational combat” allows me to see the two sides of the same coin – violence and empathy. This is why trust and honesty are foundational elements to successful relationships. Once I learned the value of a good relationship, I also learned the habit of creating good relationships – especially my martial relationships, as we bare our most honest and vulnerable selves through physical exchanges. That being said, what kind of partner do you want in your life and what kind of partner do you want to be?
(The 4th of a Series)
Where I last left off, I was discussing how holding myself accountable for the decisions I make and the actions I take will ultimately lead to a true life of freedom. With an open and honest heart and mind, anyone can accumulate a solid set of habits to truly help them break the chains of self-doubt.
However, being free has it’s own kind of constraints.
On the one hand, freedom allows people the opportunity to improve their lives and the lives of others. People like DaVinci, Michaelangelo, Edison, Tesla, Gates, Jobs and Musk all come to mind. On the other hand, freedom can also lead people down a darker path full of tragedy and loss – like the opioid addiction which has no constraints of location or socioeconomic status.
Freedom also comes with the restraint of the individual. Without some form of self-control from the individual, chaos would reign. If we cannot trust ourselves to curb our lesser desires, then we are doomed to believe no one else can either. Therefore, freedom also takes an enormous amount of courage to enact.
As the old adage states, “beware of the enemy within.” If I do not have the courage to recognize that I can be my own worst enemy, then I also do not have the courage to recognize my own culpability for the rights and wrongs of my immediate community.
This is why I need to be clear about who I am and who I am not. Otherwise, I will not be able to develop proper boundaries as they are fundamental in the process of building a good relationship with myself as well as others.
Nobody likes chaos because it is unpredictable and unpredictability leads to imbalance. It’s why the concept of balance is so revered in all cultures, religions and relationships.
As an individual, I strive for balance and even when I’m faced with an imbalanced person or situation, I’m still striving for a balanced outcome despite the circumstances. If I give into the imbalance of others, then I am no longer honoring myself.
Honoring who I am requires me to be vigilant about my boundaries or else I will be subject to the whims of others. Giving up on who I am means buying into someone else’s version of myself. However, choosing to give someone else control means that I’ve given cooperative control to a trusted party, thereby communicating my needs and wants effectively.